How to *actually* find your person

11 specific things that worked for me, and will work for you too.

“SFK, how do I meet my person? I feel like I’m going to be single forever?” I get asked this question on repeat during WWSFKD Wednesdays. We all know by now what you don’t need: a fairy godmother, a glass slipper, or a body lotion. But what DO you need?

I want to preface my advice by saying that nothing I say will require you to change who you are externally - you do not need to chop off your hair, change your texting style, or move to a different city. 

So before we start updating our Hinge photos, here are the 11 very specific things I did that led me to find my person:

1. Go to therapy. 

This past year I’ve convinced 5 of my friends (and my boyfriend!) to start or restart therapy. Overall, the pattern I’ve seen is that people who are in therapy are more secure, grounded, and don’t take things as personally. 

In regards to relationships, it’s crucial that you work through your traumas and relationship roadblocks. If you’re always chasing after fuckboys or finding yourself in situationships, there might be a deeper reason for that. Maybe you say you are ready for a relationship - but are you actually? 

I’ve been in therapy since I was seven years old (a story for another time), but it was not until I changed therapists last year that I realized how much work I still had to do. Looking back, I realized that while I kept saying “I want a relationship,” I wasn’t remotely ready for one. Every time I would go out, I would drink to the point of blacking out as a way to disassociate. I hid behind fake lashes and bleached blonde hair instead of embracing my natural features. I would drunkenly have sex with guys because it would make me feel powerful, desired, and confident. Yet the following morning, I would walk into my building wearing my clothes from the night before covered in shame and stains from tequila shots.

And even if I was surrounded by healthy, loving men, I wouldn’t have known. 

So I finally spoke to my therapist about things I had buried under the rug for decades. I dove into my past and went on a crusade to figure out why I was so afraid of love or why I didn’t feel worthy of it. It wasn’t easy. 

The whole process itself was lengthy and pretty traumatic, but then I came out on the other side and it gave me so much more of an understanding of why I am the way I am. I finally understood why SFK was born – she was a method of survival; she was an armor I needed growing up. Working through things that happened as a child meant I could start to let go of SFK and exist safely as Serena. And ironically enough, one of the first things Felix said to me was that he saw right through “SFK” and just saw Serena, who was as soft and fuzzy as a teddy bear (hence my nickname, bear!)

Throwback to fake lashes, bleached blonde hair, and hiding behind the SFK character I created

If you keep going for a fuckboy and running away from emotionally available candidates, perhaps it’s time for introspection. Maybe you grew up in an unstable home or you saw your parents' nasty divorce… or your parents have been together for 30 years and you can’t imagine finding a relationship that will live up to that. No matter what, your childhood is going to have an impact on the relationships you attract in your life. It’s essential to give yourself the space to dissect them.

2. Remove negative language related to dating.

Raise your hand if you have said one of these phrases: 

• “Dating is so hard.” 

• “Dating in [my city] is the worst!” 

• “The apps are terrible."

• “I’m going to die alone.” 

STOP THAT. Words carry weight - you write your plot, after all. So if you want your plotline to head in a positive direction, it starts with you. The energy you put out into the world will come right back to you. 

Instead, say things like:

• “Dating is quite the adventure!”

• “When I’m ready for a relationship, I’ll have the opportunity.”

• “Dating helps me discover more about myself and who I want in a partner.”

• “I am going to focus on myself in a way that makes time for me, my career, friends, and anyone who brings value to my life.” 

• “The apps are another way to meet people, but my matches don’t define my potential.”

• “I’m going to find my person when the timing is right. Until then, I have shit to get done.”

By reframing that narrative, do you see how you can change your perspective on dating? 

3. Say goodbye to the scarcity mindset. 

This whole “there are no good men left” for hetero women is such BS that has been fabricated by the patriarchy. My mami told me that when she first moved to NYC in her 20s, people were saying the same thing. So I’m sorry, but you are not that fucking special. You aren’t gonna be the first person to not find their person. There is someone out there for you. You are worthy of love and if that’s what you want, I promise you will get it. I cannot stress this enough though, don’t sit inside (even though it’s a million degrees outside) and wait for that person. Get your ass up and put yourself out there. 

4. Write the list. 

No, I’m not talking about a list of every physical trait you must have in a guy. I’m talking about the qualities and attributes of the person you hope to be with. Maybe they’re family-oriented, ambitious, loyal, witty, obsessed with traveling - actually now I sound like a dating app profile lmao. Be realistic with your list. You might not get it all, but choose what is non-negotiable and don’t settle for anything less. I’m telling you - that list will do wonders for you. When you speak your desires into existence, the power of manifestation begins…

Notice the differences between these two “wish lists.” Btw, I don’t like using the term “wish,” because it really devalues compatibility and chemistry.

Wish List #1: 

1. 6’4”

2. Has a six pack

3. Graduated from an Ivy League

4. Founded a hedge fund or VC firm

5. Has at least a seven-figure salary

6. Is 35-40 years old

Wish List #2: 

1. Tall

2. Strong and athletic

3. Values education and works hard

4. Working toward career-minded goals

5. Wants to provide and build generational wealth for his future family

6. Is emotionally intelligent and mature

Can you spot the difference? The second list focuses on attributes and shared values, whereas the first list is all about checking off hyper-specific physical traits and career accomplishments. Don’t get me wrong – you want to be attracted to them and have crazy good sex. But your core values need to align too. If Mr. Harvard is a selfish dick and only takes you along for his ride, then WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 

We need to stop shopping at Build-A-Man. Except maybe when they suck and we can rip their stuffing out lmao just kidding. Leave your filtering at home and meet that person IRL at face value, which leads me to my next point…

5. Be open-minded. 

If you’re looking for a guy in finance, 6’5”, blue eyes – then you’re really limiting yourself to so many people who could be compatible for you… or maybe you should just move to Sweden. 

Even if someone doesn’t check all of your “boxes” right off the bat, there could be more to their story. Go on the date if they’re a respectful person. Put your sights on actually getting to know who that person is before you judge them. Remember, it’s a two-way street. 

During the pandemic, I did my IG live dating show, Let’s Fucking Date. I literally dated 50 people in 2020–in a blind date style. And why blind? Because I didn’t want to go in with a preconceived judgment of each person’s life story. 

Which is really hard to do on the apps. 

While dating apps can act as a great avenue to meet people outside of your bubble, it can be severely limiting too. And I keep getting messages like, “Everyone on the apps suck” and “SFK, I can’t land a date in NYC.”

Here’s my brutally honest opinion: